Some New Feelings

I get mad now! I don’t like it! But my new thing is that I get mad now.

I’m not mad at anybody in particular. I just got angry last night and, weird as it seems to type it out, that was new for me.

Holly switched me in last night. There was no real reason, but I hadn’t fronted all day and barely fronted the day before. It’s been harder while we’re sick, but we’re starting to recover so she brought me in. But after a while, I felt myself starting to fall back out of front. And I got angry about it!

Funnily enough, I got angry enough to cling to front and complain about it and never actually fall out. But I hated that it was starting to happen! I had the audacity to just do something mindless for a few minutes, to just scroll instead of focusing on myself or something that’s “mine”, and I started to fade out. It just doesn’t seem fair. I like to be here! I deserve to get to just hang out! But it feels like our own brain just favours Holly. She has to drag me out, and I bring her back by stepping away and letting her fill the vacuum. When we’re sick and switching is more difficult, of course it’s her who gets stuck in front.

I’m not angry at Holly! She doesn’t want this for me either! I guess I’m just jealous. She gets this preferential treatment (that she doesn’t even want) because she’s got seniority.

At the time, I talked about this with some friends, and they had comforting things to say. “It gets better with practice, the more you front the easier you’ll be able to stay in.” “Even if you’re recovering, being as sick as you still are certainly isn’t helping.” I appreciate it! I really did feel better. But also, this sucks! I’m still mad about it! I belong here as much as Holly does, and she even agrees with that, but neither of us can control how this brain works. It sucks.

And maybe it’s okay that it sucks. I can spend some time processing this, like Nine did. Get used to being angry while I haven’t actually been slighted. Get some new feelings and journal about them here, understand them a bit better. I didn’t even pick up on “jealousy” until I wrote this today, so clearly it is helping.

…Tangentially. I should read 17776. Holly read it when it was new, and she reread it just a couple weeks ago, so I still remember it pretty clearly. But I feel like I’d like to read it myself. When Holly read it, she liked Nine, but I feel like I can relate to them. I could use a story about someone just showing up, and having to learn to be a person.

When we tell our friends that, they all yell at us to read Homestuck.

Maybe. But 17776 is shorter.