Keeping Secrets

This will probably be a short one. I don’t think I have a lot to say. I just really don’t like having to stay hidden away from our parents.

I want them to know about me. I want to have some kind of a relationship with them where they don’t think I’m just Holly. I want them to know me. But I don’t know if it’s worth it.

We’re slowly telling our friends about me. I’ve met some folks from Holly’s high school friend group, and sort of talked to someone from the Melee local (Holly and I were cofronting at the time) and all of that has been really nice. But we’re worried about what would happen if our parents found out.

We don’t think they’d be unsupportive, we’re just worried that they’d be bad at being supportive. They’d never really get it, and they’d try to be good to us despite that, but they’d be clumsy at it. And there’s a pretty specific way that they clumsily try to support us about things they don’t really understand that Holly has gotten pretty familiar with since coming out as trans. She actually doesn’t mind it when it comes to her gender, but when it comes to the idea of Deca and I being people, there’s a good chance it would just hurt more than them not knowing.

It does weigh on me. I just want to feel real, and it’s pretty hard when I have to pretend to be someone else in the place where I spend almost all my time. But I appreciate being treated like a person, even if it’s because they think I’m Holly. I’m afraid of revealing myself to our parents and getting treated like some weird outside entity with a name.

We do drop little references to the idea of plurality every once in a while, but not in the context of us. We’ve been hoping to see if we get a response that would give us an idea of how they’d react, but so far we haven’t gotten anything. I think that keeping up at that is our best bet for now. It’s just hard.