Balance

I’ve opened the floodgates now, I’m experiencing all kinds of bad emotions. I just don’t feel like I should be here. I’m in the way, I’m taking up Holly’s time.

And I know she’d tell me not to worry about it, but I also know a lot of other things about her. I don’t think she’d be capable of believing I was bad for her no matter what I did, she doesn’t work that way. So unfortunately it’s a small comfort.

I like being here but I feel like Holly’s sacrificing so much for… what? For me? Who the fuck am I?

She has her own life, she has hobbies, she has things she’s passionate about, and she hasn’t been touching them because she’s been letting me hang out so much. She made promises to herself, she has goals that she swore she’d work towards. And she’s not doing it because I’m here.

The solution isn’t “I need to not be here”. That’s a little much. But we need to find a balance and this isn’t it. She’s just been pulling me into front out of habit whenever we have free time and it’s not good for her. She’s happy for me, she wants to see me thrive, and she’s neglecting herself.

She’s going to remember me typing this, and she’ll probably read it back, so. Holly, consider this a message from me to you. I’ve had fun fronting and meeting everyone but you need some time for yourself, too. You don’t need to switch me in after work every day. Please pick up the gamecube controller every once in a while. You promised yourself–you promised us that you would. So I’m holding you accountable. I wouldn’t forgive either of us if you gave up on something you’re so passionate about over me.

I’m not blameless. I’d come into front and just stay here all evening because you were letting me, but I didn’t have to. I could have stepped back and brought you back into front at any time, and I largely didn’t. But we have to do this together.

Let’s try to find an actual balance.